Teaching Toddlers Teamwork

The biggest transition from one to two babies for me has been my productivity - but that makes sense, right? On days that I'm solo-parenting, I'm outnumbered. My 4 month old, of course, needs a lot of my attention. But so does my 16 month old. I spend most days trying to balance taking care of them, taking care of the house, and trying my best to find time to also take care of me. It's a tough balance but I've been shifting my perspective on what "getting things done" looks like and it's been making a huge difference.

It didn't take long into my motherhood journey to realize that I didn't want to be a mom that creates an imaginary wall between my child's life and my adult life. So I stopped waiting for that longed-for nap overlap to get things done around the house. Instead, I clean when my children are awake. I eat while they're awake. I invite my toddler into cooking breakfast. I invite her to help with laundry (yes, even if that means she just throws the clothes around). I pull up a stool so she can help me with dishes (yes, even if she is just playing in the water). The reality is that she is a toddler, only 16 months. It's not developmentally appropriate to expect her to be able to join me effectively in completing these tasks. For her, they are play. But the family-centered approach to parenting means that I show her from a young age what it looks like to be a team, or a family unit. In time, from observation (she is a sponge), she will learn how to complete these tasks and the hope is that she'll actually want to. Not because I'm forcing her to do "chores" but because I'm teaching her that these daily tasks are how we take care of our home and our family. These things can feel enjoyable, too. I've been on a journey of finding joy in chores through mindfulness - but that's a topic for another day.

Something I've been really considering in my own life as a mother, especially as a stay at home mom, is my approach to how I'm centering my family. I think in today's society a child-centered approach has become very popular, or the norm. Let's back up and first dig into the difference between the two, at least as I have understood them. The biggest difference is the focus on entertaining your toddler (child-centered), and instead simply engaging your toddler in your day to day activities (family-centered).

A child-centered approach is revolving your days around your child. Planning activities to entertain your toddler, engage them in learning, and planning outings where they can again, be entertained. Nothing is wrong with this. But instead of always feeling pressure to entertain your toddler, we can investigate just how much entertaining a toddler actually needs. I have this conversation with friends often - our children don't always love playing with the toys we provide. Sometimes a paper towel roll or a Tupperware container is truly the more fun option for them. This is the perfect example of the difference between these approaches. We provide toys that are "child-focused" or made for children, but they're clearly just as (if not more) entertained by everyday household objects or activities. Now, this doesn't mean my living room shelves aren't dedicated for children's toys - they are. I think it's important to discuss both fostering independence through child-centered play but also providing opportunities for them to join you in your household duties. This might look like having a routine or rhythm that provides chunks of your day for your child to participate, and chunks where you can work on something YOU enjoy while your child plays independently. I first read about this concept in Hunt, Gather, Parent. A child-centered approach would mean that I would always be right there, participating with my child. A family-centered shows them that we all have hobbies and interests and all are valued. Allowing your children to play with their toys on their own is important. While she is doing that, I can focus on myself. Getting work done on my laptop, or even reading a book... without guilt. Ah - the capital G word. It always creeps in. How can I take time for myself while my tiny child is playing *alone*?! Shifting my perspective has been so good for me... Independent play and me-time are good for us both. It's not me "ignoring her" or "not being present." Taking small chunks of time for me allows me to be fully present with her. So I practice letting go of guilt just as quick as I let it enter.

A family-centered approach takes away the pressure of constantly doing the next best thing to entertain and engage your toddler and rather inviting them into your family as a unit. I've found that once I decided I didn't have to be the Pinterest mom I always envisioned myself being, the pressure faded and I realized that presence with my child - was the only thing I wanted to "pin" in my day. Now, don't get me wrong - I love a good toddler-centered Pinterest craft... but the difference is that now I see it as something I'll do for us both to enjoy, not something I feel obligated to do to be a "good" mom. I removed the pressure. I removed the guilt. Now I have more space and it feels good for all of us.

It's important to note that, as with anything, I believe in balance. I'm approaching this with the same approach I have with toxic items in our home. The 80-20 rule, maybe even 70-30. I do love a good activity that I've made just for fun for my toddler. Something I definitely wouldn't do on my own, but something that watching her do brings me joy. I also love fostering independence in her so I can have time for just me, even 15 minutes. Lastly, I love simply inviting her into the things that make sense for her to join. The best part is that seeing her find joy in the daily activities around the house, helps me see joy in them. It helps me see joy in the present and helps me be present. That's one of the greatest gifts our children give us.