Motherhood Healed Me

Becoming a mother healed me in so many ways.

I often hear about all of the scary things that motherhood brings. Trust me, I've had my fair share of postpartum anxiety moments and I see the world through a very (quite scary) lens now that I have a daughter, but I simultaneously have a completely new and beautiful perspective on life. What surprised me most about motherhood was the new perspective I'd gain about myself.

Becoming a mother healed me by showing me that I am enough. Upon bringing home my daughter, I experienced mom guilt for the first time, and then many times after that. Prior to giving birth, I thought that was a silly concept. What could I possibly feel so guilty about? Once I had a daughter that is dependent on me, it became clear why that term is so often talked about in the motherhood community. I felt it the first time I scratched my daughter putting her into her wrap (there were tears from both of us). I felt it when I found out I was pregnant at 3 months postpartum and realized she wouldn't be my only child (and receive all my attention) for much longer. I felt it when my supply tanked from the hormones and our breastfeeding journey came to an end. Mom guilt is very real; but in my seven months taking care of my daughter, I've started returning to my prior belief that "mom guilt is silly." Every time it creeps in, I try to look at myself through my daughter's eyes. How does she see me? To her I am perfect. To her I am joy. To her I am comfort. To her I am love. To her... I am enough. I'm more than enough. I'm everything. Her world will only be this small for so long and right now, I'm most of what her world is made up of. This is something I don't want to take lightly. I don't want to waste any moments feeling guilty when this is an emotion I know only exists in my mind. Imagine if she felt that guilt I was carrying? No way. So instead, I'm choosing to continue to see myself through my daughter's eyes. I am enough.

Becoming a mother was the missing piece to the puzzle of my life; in motherhood, I found myself. This feels taboo to talk about because so often we hear how once you become a mother, you may feel like you lost a piece of your identity. I know this is different for everyone, and my experience isn't meant to dismiss anyone else's emotions, but I'll offer up my perspective on how I found myself in motherhood. If you're new here, I was an elementary teacher for 7 years before resigning to stay home with my daughter this past summer. So many people warned me that once I left the classroom, I might feel a lack of purpose or a loss in a part of my identity. I heard them, and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't worry this would be the case. I'm a multi-passionate, dynamic woman who thrived in the chaotic classroom ironically teaching calm to my 4th graders through mindfulness and yoga. For the first 5 years of my job, you'd catch me saying I couldn't believe I got paid to do it. I loved everything about being a teacher. Most of all, I loved that in the classroom I discovered my passion for teaching mindfulness, yoga, and social emotional learning to children, teens, and teachers. This was a passion I discovered in the classroom that is the foundation of who I am today. So when I made the decision to resign and become a stay at home mom, I had some doubt-filled questions in my mind. Would I miss the classroom once fall and back-to-school season rolled around? Would I feel like I lost my purpose? Would I still feel fulfilled in my greatest passion of sharing mindfulness with others? These thoughts among many others were in the back on my mind, but I never let them take over. My husband, Kevin, and I always talked about our options for if I decided I did miss the classroom. I knew that I could return if I wanted to, even if it was just to substitute a few days here and there. So when fall came and my daughter turned 3 months, I waited to one day wake up and feel like something was missing. That feeling never came. I think there are many factors that led to this. One, the post-covid classroom and education system was drastically different than it had been prior. Being a teacher was harder than ever before and I often drove home at the end of a long day wondering if I even had the skills to help my students get "caught up." There was so much catching up to do... and the system did the opposite of slow down. Nothing about it felt fair to my students. It sure didn't feel fair to the teachers either. I became very discouraged, frustrated, and emotional at a job I loved so much. See - what I loved most about my job as an educator was building relationships, teaching love (this is how I often refer to mindfulness), and making a difference. Being a teacher is an immense responsibility and for years I carried that weight around with pride. I knew that everything I did mattered. I trusted that what I was doing was beneficial for my students and while my focus was never on the data, scores, or tests, I knew I was giving my students what they needed to thrive in the world inside and outside of my small classroom. So when things started to change, I felt that "everything I did mattered" just a little bit more. The weight became a little too heavy. I started to feel as though I wasn't in alignment with what I was being asked to do. I knew that if I wanted to continue in alignment with my purpose, I needed to step away from the classroom for a bit. Focus on sharing mindfulness and yoga outside of the classroom, and above all focus on raising my daughter. It's now January and my daughter is 7 months old. Never once have a felt like I made a mistake in stepping away from the classroom. Being a mother, I feel more aligned than I ever felt. As a teacher, as I mentioned, the relationships I formed with my students and the ability to teach them how to love themselves and others was what brought me immesnse joy. I certainly didn't lose that in my time home with my daughter. I'm doing what I always wanted to do. In motherhood, I found that deep purpose again. I returned home to my passion and I found myself.

Becoming a mother made me form a deep gratitude practice. I believe that with every emotion there is simultaneously an exact opposite emotion to balance it out. In short, love and fear emotions. Before becoming a mother I didn't spend too much time under the fear umbrella. I've been using mindfulness to manage anxiety for years and have gotten pretty good at returning to love. Once I had my daughter, this practice started all over again. With her in the world, there's so much more to be fearful of. I completely understand the need to discuss not just postpartum depression, but also postpartum anxiety. No matter how long it lingers or how strong it feels, I don't think it's possible to be a mother and not feel a new level of anxiety. The opposite of anxiety, to me, is peace. Since becoming a mother I have had to deepen my gratitude practice and focus on joy. Any time anxiety creeps in, I bring my awareness to it. I listen to it, awknowledge it, see what I can learn from it, and then shift into gratitude, or peace. This is a mindfulness practice that I feel is so essential for myself and other mothers. It's why I am even more passionate about mindfulness in this season of my life. After my first year teaching, I saw how necessary it was for myself to practice mindfulness. To be the best teacher I can be. So I started practicing it, sharing it with my students, and eventually sharing it with other teachers, too. Now that I see how important mindfulness is for mothers, I feel like I'm experiencing those first few years in the classroom again. I always say, I don't practice mindfulness because it comes easy to me or because I'm an expert, I practice because I need it. I share it because I know others need it too. Becoming a mother reminded me of how important mindfulness practices are for my well-being. Becoming a mother helped deepen my mindfulness practice and focus on returning to gratitude, always.

As we all know, the process of healing isn't linear. There are ups and downs and beauty and pain and we are meant to experience it all. Motherhood healed various parts of who I am, but I shouldn't speak of it in the past tense. It heals me every day. In the big moments, yes... but especially in the small moments. The moments of joy, yes... but especially in the tough moments. I'm soaking it up, documenting all of the experiences, and returning to love as best as I can. Returning to love is how we heal; motherhood helps me do that.